The PolyBureau
by Alan Wexelblat

Answering Readers' Questions, Part II

No pontifications this time, just more questions and answers.

That Gap

"M S" of compuserve.com writes:

How would you answer the question (as put to me) "I can understand you wanting to have sex with other people but I really can't understand stand how you can even want to be with another person since we love each other so much."

This question touches me very deeply. It's an issue I spent two years wrestling with, including a lot of pain. Ultimately, I failed. I know other poly people who have similarly wrestled and similarly failed. I know a few poly people who have a monogamous partner who is accepting of the partner's poly nature, but very few.

I'm not sure you can explain yourself to your SO. I'm not sure anyone can. It is unfortunately the case that some people simply cannot see things that are outside of their reality. Some people cannot understand the motivations of someone whose ideas are basically foreign. Identifying with anyone other than ourselves is always hard, and if that other person believes things which are fundamentally alien... well, it can be nigh impossible.

If you are lucky, then the idea is not fundamentally alien to your beloved, she is simply unaware. If that's the case, you and she can jointly explore some of the resources I mentioned in the first question I answered in the previous column.

Finally, there's the answer you supply yourself. Why do you seek relationships with other people? I know that I have my own reasons and they're not exactly the same as anyone else's reasons. If you can answer that question honestly for yourself and for her then you may both be better off.

Guidelines

"A M" of mi.us asked about starting a poly discussion group. The hows of starting a poly group are something I'm not very experienced with. I was lucky enough to just sort of fall into the poly-boston group when Bearpaw started it.

One good way to get started is to call a meeting for something relatively innocuous, like a brunch at a friendly restaurant or a cup of coffee at a mellow cafe, if you live somewhere such things exist. A public meeting place is usually less pressure on people and folk can spend as much or as little time as they feel comfortable. If things work out and the people who show up are compatible, then ask the group what kind(s) of activities they'd be into.

Poly-boston mostly involves people hanging out and talking about what's on their minds. There's a nominal topic for the evening but it rarely has much impact on what we talk about. Among those of us who've known each other for a while, the chats are a good time to snuggle nonsexually with some of the other members of the group.

I'm told other poly groups do more organized things, like have speakers or go on trips, but I've never had the energy to organize something like that and if I won't organize it, I won't expect someone else to, either. I suggest this is a good rule for others as well: if you won't put the energy into organizing it, don't be disappointed if no one else does. Good luck!

Eating is Cheating

"D M" of naplesnet.com wrote:

I do not believe that the practice of oral sex is a form of cheating.

Well, it is, because I said so. Seriously, the point of that column was that it is possible to cheat in a poly relationship, contrary to what I have heard people claim. Even one which is totally open usually has rules and violating those rules is cheating.

I used the line "eating ain't cheating" because I had heard it more than once from an acquaintance who insisted that because actual penetrative intercourse wasn't taking place that no cheating was occurring. I still assert that this is a ridiculous statement, and doubly so for polyamorous people who have (presumably) negotiated mutually acceptable limits in their relationships.

Keeping a Spouse

"T J" of mci.net wrote:

How do i keep my husband?

There really should be more detail sent in with a question like that, but since there wasn't, I will take it as an invitation to answer a question which should have been asked. The answer to that question is not by becoming poly. I have heard of more than one instance of a part of a couple agreeing to some form of non-monogamy in the hopes that this will help them 'keep' a partner who does not want to be monogamous.

First of all, those who have been reading my column since the beginning know that I don't believe that people are property. To 'keep' something is to imply that it belongs to you in the first place. Your husband is not, was not, and probably never will be your property. He is a person with whom you have an intimate relationship and as part of that relationship he has probably made certain promises to you. It may be that he wants to change some of those relationship conditions or promises and it may be that you two can find compatible ways to make those changes which will please you both.

However, if you are not a polyamorous person, then agreeing to be something you're not -- simply to please the other person in your relationship -- is almost certainly doomed to failure. It will likely make you miserable if you think you are living a lie; it will likely humiliate you if you believe you are doing something bad and cannot therefore talk about it; it will likely make you resent the person who forced these changes on you. None of these things are conducive to maintaining a relationship, particularly a relationship so intimate as husband and wife.

Conversely, there are circumstances where a monogamous relationship can be opened up. But these have more to do with mutual desire and exploration than they do with 'keep'ing another person. In your (hypothesized) situation, it seems like the two of you need to talk about the underlying causes for his wanting to be with other people and your feeling like he's leaving you. You might want to have this conversation with the aid of a professional counselor/mediator.

Territorial Issues

"T J R" of i1.net writes:

I am a polyandrist of 5 years, I have 2 husbands and we're all in our 30s. We bought a house [and] the men don't get along as well as before. I don't see what the fuss is about. Is it a male-territory thing over new surroundings? They get along fine except for this underlying tension over basic chores and whose pictures go on whose walls, petty things. They'll never talk about it man-to-man, but suddenly use me as a mouthpiece or a go-between to tell one the other isn't happy. After 5 years (3 under the same roof) is this a new phase? Or is it that suddenly buying a home instead of renting brings out a lot of fears and resentments?

First of all, let me congratulate the three of you on making your relationship work well to this point. That said, I also applaud you personally for having the good sense not to get sucked into the middleman position. Too often people having trouble interacting as a duo drag a third party into the middle. This person often finds herself doing the "he said..." "she said..." routine and the end result can be even more misunderstanding than before. It is important for your husbands to be able to communicate directly with each other. You can help, you can provide a comforting presence; what you can't do is be the mouthpiece for one or both of them.

As to your basic question, it's hard to answer. It may in fact just be a phase they're going through. I can make some guesses, though. If it's the place the three of you are going to call 'home' for a long time to come, then territorial considerations are likely to be much more important to the guys than such considerations ever have been before. I am someone who makes a distinct impression on his physical space. I like having things a particular way because it makes my day-to-day living easier. That's not to say I won't compromise, but if no one states a preference to the contrary I will make things be my way in my space. A new space and who gets to define it in what ways definitely can bring out fears and resentments.

Alternatively, it's quite possible your husbands are fighting over details because they can't or won't talk about the underlying issues that are really important to them. Arguments about who takes out the garbage make good cover for not arguing about who gets to be the father of your first child, or some other equally important issue. It doesn't even have to be a conversation you were involved in. For all you know they were shopping one day and saw a mother with a stroller and started talking. Or perhaps they started thinking and not talking, which could be worse. Any major life change, such as buying a house is likely to get people thinking about other life changes. Any major life change is going to be stressful and people react differently to stress. Something as simple as worrying about how you're going to meet the mortagage payments can stress people enough to start them arguing about anything in sight.

What you can do about it is more or less an advanced form of what you say you're doing now. In addition to refusing to be in the middle, refuse to listen to them complain about each other. If they start, make them stop. Tell them to work it out between themselves. Leave the room if you have to, but don't go so far away that they can't call for you if they need you. If you can sit in the room and help them talk to each other that is even better. Make it clear that you love them but this behavior is not acceptable. Make it clear that it's the behavior you don't like, not one or the other who is demonstrating it.

As the woman in the middle -- you don't specify that the men are married to each other, so I assume they don't have a relationship independent of you -- you're going to have to play "parent" now and then, and this may need to be one of those times. When that happens, it's best to accept it gracefully and not spend a lot of time pointing out their faults, including their immaturity. If you think this kind of thing is likely to happen more often, it may be to your benefit to get and read some books on arbitration and other peaceful ways of helping people settle their disputes impartially.

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Last modified: Wed Jan 15 06:32:14 2003